Punishment
by fanta-faerie
Summary: Misery loves company. And certain company requires punishment. That punishment is what I am living.


**Please read with Unfaithful by Rihanna.**

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><p>Misery loves company.<p>

That's what everyone says, isn't it?

That people can't stand being miserable alone...but that somehow, being miserable with someone else makes it more tolerable.

I can't attest to this- I've been miserable for too long to remember what company feels like.

It's lonely.

I'm lonely.

Of course, to the outside world, my life was perfect- handsome husband who adored me, stable job, great salary, friends and family by the handful…but this fairytale is not perfect.

It is in fact, not a fairytale, but a nightmare.

A haunting dream that keeps whispering into my mind of what could have been, might have been, if I had bothered to take the time to love.

But now….now it is too late and the chance is gone and I am alone.

And that is my punishment.

**888**

"Lily? Lily, you here?" I heard a voice call.

"Yes, James, I'm here," I called back with a sigh. "Exactly where I always am." I added in a mutter.

"You say something?" He asked, coming into the kitchen and shaking off a few flakes of snow.

"Of course not," I smiled. "It's just about time that you got home!"

"Sorry," He said, leaning over and kissing my cheek then taking his seat at the island table. "I got caught up in work and lost track of time."

I smiled at him and put on the oven mitts, pulling the chicken out from where I had been keeping it. "Well, I made dinner- it's a little cold, but I can reheat it-"

"Or," James cut me off, grinning at me mischievously. "We can forget the chicken, forget dinner and just, er….move to the bedroom?" He winked suggestively.

I looked at him for a moment before I managed to fake a smile. "No sweetheart, I'm feeling a little tired. Maybe later."

He sighed and slumped back into his chair. "Lily," He whined. "It's been what, two weeks?"

Still not long enough, I thought to myself. "Anyway," I said, trying to placate him. "I made your favorite for desert- triple fudge cake."

"Great!" He said, grinning again like a schoolboy. He motioned for me to take out the cake, adding, "I love you, Lils." with a sweet smile.

"Mmm." I forced a chuckle. "Of course you do."

**888**

I met him at the bookstore.

I was browsing the thriller section looking for the latest Stephen King, when I noticed a slight commotion towards the front of the store.

A man with shaggy black hair and a black leather jacket was gesturing wildly at a display case, his angry voice carrying all the way to the back.

"-You have got to be joking, you want me to pay how much? Ridiculous! I'll give you half that price, and you should count yourself lucky, you arrogant little bast-"

"Is there a problem here?" I suddenly asked sweetly, marching up to the man and cutting him off.

Up close, I noticed that his eyes were a piercing gray and that he was incredibly good-looking in an angry-young-man kind of way.

"It's none of your business." The man said irritably, turning back to the terrified store clerk.

"It becomes my business when you disrupt my reading," I snapped, pushing my way in front of him and glaring.

"Do you mind?" He bit out, eyes furious.

"I do, actually." I said back, just as forcefully. "And the last time I checked, this was a retail store- you can't just storm in here and demand people to change prices. They are what they are- just accept it already!"

The man snorted, turning his head away for a second before coming back to look at me.

"And you are-?" He left the question open, his face uncomfortably close to mine.

"Lily. Lily Ev-Potter." I stumbled. Behind my back, I motioned for the young boy behind the counter to get a move on, which he hurriedly did, sprinting for the manager's desk with incredible speed.

The man rolled his eyes. "Typical." He muttered.

"Excuse me?" I asked, not quite believing my ears.

"Oh, shut up." He growled. Then he caught sight of two burly security guards making their way towards him and he sighed, slamming down a wad of cash onto the counter.

Then with one last look at me, he shoved his hands into his pockets and moved towards the door.

With a jolt of surprise, I realized he had a pronounced limp- something he seemed all too aware of when he growled in the direction of a frightened kid he caught looking at him.

I watched him leave the store with a peculiar feeling in my stomach- one that I inevitably put down to indigestion.

Still, as James lay sleeping next to me that night, my thoughts fluttered to him, resting lightly on his gray eyes before I too, drifted off into slumber.

**888**

I saw him for the second time at a café.

He was outside, sitting at a small table with a steaming mug in front of him, his gray eyes gazing far away, far beyond the reaches of the café and my mind.

To this day, I'm not sure why I stopped, why I ran into the café, or why I pulled out the chair in front of him and flopped down, hair mussed and slightly out of breath.

His dark eyebrows drew together in irritation when he recognized me. "Lily Potter." He muttered, clasping his hands around his coffee as if I planned to steal it from him.

I was surprised- I hadn't expected him to remember. "Yes. I never caught your name."

He studied me for a moment before he answered abruptly. "Sirius Black."

I smiled, an oddly genuine one, and stuck out my hand. "Nice to meet you."

He eyed me before he snorted and looked away.

My hand hovered there for a moment before I brought it back to my lap.

We didn't talk much, at that first meeting.

In the meetings that followed, all almost accidental, though not quite, he opened up, bit by small bit.

I learned that he was married as well - in fact, he had an eleven-year-old son that lived away at a boarding school.

I found that he hurt his leg in a train accident two years ago, something that effectively put a stop to his life and dreams.

I discovered that he was a bitter, selfish man, who looked out at the world through a veil of disgust and thin hatred…but that he secretly loved his son more than life itself.

I learned many things about him, not all of which were pleasant, many of which stirred my soul in ways I had never felt before, but all of which made me look forward to our weekly meetings- the small bit of life that was brought back into my monotonous existence.

This wasn't to say that he knew nothing about me- quite the opposite. The bits of information I gleaned from him came after hours of meddling and prodding in my own life.

Misery loves company, after all, and somehow, he discovered me.

Lies that I told to convince myself were laid bare before him and every smile he let slip in my presence lit up the world in a brilliant show of fireworks.

And before I knew it, the secret fell from my lips.

**888**

"You don't love him." Sirius repeated flatly.

Tears had rushed to my eyes at the admission, and I was trying to discreetly wipe them. I shook my head at his statement and choked back a sob.

He was silent for minute, gazing out over the bridge we were standing on. Light snow had started to fall by the time he looked back at me.

"I don't love her either." He suddenly told me.

"Wh-what?" I blinked, tears forgotten. "You don't? Why?"

"I'm not sure." He said, looking at the dark river winding beneath us. "It's me, probably. I think that part of me is dysfunctional." He bared his teeth in what I had come to realize was a bitter smile.

I sniffled, wiped my face and hesitantly leaned my hand out to touch his arm. To my surprise, he didn't move away- he sighed and moved a slight bit closer, seeming to relish the tiny warmth.

"I don't think it's dysfunctional." I told him softly. "James…James is amazing. And maybe if I had given him a chance, I could have loved him. But sometimes friendship falls into where love could have been and then it's impossible to remove it."

"Maybe for you," Sirius said, turning to look at me, his eyes deep. "For me, it was me. I know who's fault it is- we both do. But it's not something I regret."

I looked at him for a moment, catching a glimpse of the loneliness he had shrouded himself in and then moved closer, wrapping my arms around him.

He was stiff for a moment and then he relaxed, arms snaking around to hold me in a death grip.

And as such, we stood- two unloving creatures, miserable and selfish beyond belief.

And so passed time.

**888**

The moment that James walked into the apartment that night, I realized that I loved Sirius.

I loved everything about him- his growl, his limp, his bitterness, his unexpectedly soft heart, his inability to take a joke.

I loved him in a way I had never felt anything before- and it threw me off my feet so much that I stumbled.

I made a mistake.

"Lily…oh, Lily!" James groaned, his body moving on top of mine.

I couldn't help but let a slight gasp escape me as I lay with my eyes shut tightly- I could almost imagine it was his touch I felt, his fingers, his soft kisses-

_"Sirius!" _

My eyes flew open in horror.

Moments later, James rolled off of me, face down into a pillow where he breathed heavily. Then he propped himself up on one arm, and smiled confusedly.

"Serious?" He asked, placing one hand on my stomach. "Serious about what?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat, and turned towards him, mumbling an excuse as I drew him in close, feeling his heart start to slow against mine, guilt washing over me as if I had done the unspeakable.

I loved him.

And it was too late to change it.

**888**

"I love you!" I screamed at his retreating back, suddenly hating him. "I love you, you bastard! And you love me too!"

He whirled around at this, face angry as he limped back to where I stood, fists clenched.

"I. Do. Not. Love. You." He growled, biting out every word.

"You do." I told him furiously. "And you know it! So why are you denying it?"

"Don't flatter yourself." He snarled.

I slapped him.

The air around us seemed to echo with the slap, resounding out into the snow-covered playground.

I glared at him and he glared at me, a mutual feeling of utter hatred and the urge to rip out throats rising between us.

And then he was kissing me like James had never kissed me, and his hands were tangled in my hair, his mouth moving furiously against mine as if he wanted to devour me in the fire-filled rage he was feeling.

The ferocity with which I kissed him back was astounding- I wanted him, I wanted him more than I had ever wanted anything in my life and I wasn't afraid to let him know it.

We fell to the snow-cushioned ground, my hair flying out beneath me in a fiery red halo that seemed to portray the depth of how wrong I was- how wrong we were.

And yet, it was ignored, it was banished to the back of both of our minds as we loved each other in that abandoned playground, far from James, far from the city, far from life.

Far from reality.

Because there is no such thing as a secret kept hidden forever.

And one day, our secret was a secret no longer.

**888**

I cringed as James threw a plate at the wall, the earth-shattering crash causing me to shake.

There were tears in his eyes as he turned to look at me and then strode forward, grabbing my arm in a tight grip.

"Why?" His voice was harsh and filled with pain.

"I-I-" I stumbled. "James- please, James- you're hurting me-"

"I don't give a damn!" He shouted, throwing me away from him as if he was burned. "How the hell could you do this Lily? How…haven't I loved you enough?"

Another plate crashed against the wall, the breaking pieces raining down on my skin like little shards of his unimaginable pain.

"It's not- it was never- I just-" I couldn't get the words out, I didn't know what to say to placate him this time, to make him forgive me, to make him say that we were still best friends, Lily and James forever.

He was breathing heavily as he glared at me. Then he seemed to make a decision, head snapping up.

"Leave."

The word hung in the air like a curse and I looked up at him, unbelieving.

"I want you to leave." His voice broke and then I was cradling him in my arms, both of us crying tears of regret, pain, and sorrow.

"James," I whispered, voice catching from the sobs racking my body. "I love you too…just…just not like…." I trailed to a stop, wiping the tears from his cheeks like a mother to child.

"Please." His voice cut me, for though it wavered, it was decided.

"Please."

So I let go.

I let go of him and our life together.

It was with one last glance at his stiff back that I let the door fall shut behind me.

But it was as I stood outside in the cold January air that I realized I had nowhere to go.

**888**

Time passes.

Times always passes, regardless of whether you want it to or not.

Days turned into weeks turned into years.

I never saw Sirius again.

James eventually moved on, and I left the city, never looking back.

I wanted nothing of the life that I had lived and lost and Sirius was part of that.

As I said before, it was my punishment.

I deserved nothing other than misery and loneliness for the pain I had caused- they were my dues and I was ready to pay them.

Happiness was simply a far off dream, something that I caught the occasional glimpse of in the eyes of those around me.

And so I endured.

**888**

It was a cool autumn's day a few years later when I walked into a café to grab a quick coffee before the day began.

I was stirring sugar into the drink when I looked up from the counter and caught a glimpse of shaggy black hair- familiar hair.

My heart sped up and my mouth turned dry. My hands started to shake and the coffee spilled but I didn't care.

I started to move, slowly at first, then faster, until I was running to him, to _him_.

But when I grabbed hold of his shoulder and he turned around, I was not met with his gray eyes, but the brown ones of a confused man.

Several apologies later, I took a seat outside the café with a sinking heart.

I had been so _sure…_

And it was then that I fully realized the magnitude of what had happened all those years ago.

So with a lump in my throat and the beginnings of hope in my heart, I pulled out my phone and began to dial.

_Fin._

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><p><strong>Hello all(: For those of you that might have recognized it, this was loosely based off the Bollywood film Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna (anybody who hasn't seen it, you SHOULD, it's epic and def one of my favorites. Its on Youtube with subtitles :D ). <strong>

**Ahhh, forbidden love, yet again. Love it. **

**Anyway, please, please, review for me! **

**-FantaFaerie**


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